"How lovely are your tents, O Jacob, your dwelling-places, O Israel!" These are the words the biblical seer Balaam spoke when he gazed upon the ancient congregation of bnei yisrael. They are the same words that come to mind as I look out upon this modern bnei yisrael on this new year, here in your new home, infused with a new spirit, ready to begin a new stage in your collective lives.
It is so wonderful to be back here with you tonight; to see familiar faces, to see the children now a year older—and the adults a year wiser, we hope! Every year at this time, I think back upon the growing number of Rosh Hashanah services that I have led or helped lead since becoming a rabbi (We all have different ways of marking time; this is one of mine). I have, you should know, very warm memories of last year, as I do of the many years of service-leading that preceded it....
There’s a lot to be said for large synagogues, and what they are capable of doing with their often-enormous membership and resources. But there’s also a lot that can be said, and that needs to be said, for congregations that do not count their membership in three or more digits, where every voice that speaks or sings adds significantly to the whole, where you can not only see everyone’s face from the bima, you also know all the names that go along with the faces.
And tonight, on Rosh Hashanah, the birthday of the world, I want to do just that. First, because I feel enormously lucky to be spending these High Holy Days in a congregation that falls into that category. Second, because just as Rosh Hashanah is the birthday of the world, so is it really the birthday of most synagogues. For even if a congregation got its start with Shabbat dinners, or services in someone’s home, or holiday celebrations, the event by which most people mark the beginning of a synagogue’s viability is its first observance of the Yamim Nora’im. By that standard, and if I’m not mistaken, this congregation is now celebrating its 13th year, its "bat mitsvah" year, and in its beautiful new home as well. I too am soon to be moving to a new home — in my case, a new "professional home" as the Director of Small Congregations for the Reform movement in North America— and that is the final reason I want to reflect a bit tonight about congregations like Bnei Israel.
Small congregations call to mind the words of the Israeli song, al ha-dvash v’al ha-oketz, "for the honey and for the sting." Whether they are located in large urban centers where there are many Jews and other synagogues, or whether, as is so often the case, they serve as solitary outposts of Jewishness in far-flung communities all over the world, small synagogues almost always offer lots of "honey"—but not without an occasional "sting"!
Volunteerism, for example, is both the blessing and the curse of small congregations. To paraphrase the sage Hillel, "If not you, whom?" You — and I’m talking about most small congregations here — you have no professional staff, no in-house caterer, no executive director, no librarian, and so on and so forth. You educate your children — and do it well, I might add! — not by hiring a professional Jewish educator, but by becoming educated teachers yourselves. When you have a rabbi, he or she is appreciated much more than in places where rabbis are taken more for granted. His or her presence in fact generally inspires a fierce loyalty on the part of the congregation, and no less on the part of the rabbi toward the congregation.
Members of small congregations are not the same as their counterparts in larger communities. More than being simply members of a synagogue, you are more like members of the same "tribe." In some small synagogues, such a tribal mentality makes it difficult for newcomers to be accepted, at least at first. In others, this one, for example, your small size makes it possible for you to notice and welcome with great warmth and sincerity, guests and those interested in becoming more than guests.... You relate to space differently than members of larger congregations as well. In a small congregation — and you will certainly see this if you haven’t already — the sanctuary and classrooms constitute a "Hall of Memories," as it were; every centimeter of the synagogue building has special meaning to almost everyone, even if they can’t articulate why.
Perhaps the most important characteristic of the small synagogue community is, however, its collective commitment to an ideal. One rabbi described this aspect of his synagogue as follows: "...members understand their own well-being in terms of the well-being of the whole, and they are in it for the long run." Or, a little closer to home, the words of our beloved Marvin Sossin about his beloved congregation: "We are a small congregation by any standards. But we have passion. Our lives have been enriched because we have invested so much of ourselves over the years into projects and functions of B'nei Israel. We are more than a congregation and this is more than just another building.... We are a community that is far more important than our members."
Part of me is tempted to stop right there. I mean, what can I add? Marvin, in a very real sense, said it all. Nevertheless, I do want to take this "taste of honey" just one step farther, and then turn briefly to what all this has to do with Rosh Hashanah.
Here’s the step: Small congregations are charming, yes. They are haimish, they are courageous, they are, in many cases, downright inspiring. But more significant, perhaps, than all of this: In more cases than not, they embody some of the deepest and most authentic values of progressive Jewish life.
They are, for example, diverse. Small congregations, especially those that are the only alternative, or one of the only alternatives for Jewish religious life in a given community, become the address for all Jews: young and old, single and married, with children and without, Sefardic and Askenazic, heterosexual and homosexual, black and white and brown. Which is why walking into a small congregation is often a lot like walking into a human collage. Everyone there has a Jewish reason for being there, and no one looks exactly alike. Which is exactly what a synagogue should be.
And out of this physical diversity emerges another characteristic of authentic progressive Judaism: Small congregations are generally some of the most pluralist synagogues around. They cannot afford to be exclusive. So, in keeping with the highest ideals of liberal Judaism, small congregations strive to satisfy the often very diverse religious needs of all of their members. No, it’s not always easy. But committed to the spirit of openness, humility and compromise, small congregations manage perhaps better than any other religious institution to meet this challenge, and to avoid the sinat chinam, the baseless strife, that is so characteristic of many other communities, and that our Sages said was the cause of the destruction of the ancient Beit HaMikdash in Jerusalem.
Small congregations tend to be reach out to their neighbors in the most authentic ways too; situated so often in communities that are predominately non-Jewish, small congregations frequently act as "lights unto the nations" for us all. Though some small congregations located in dying Jewish communities are, sadly, similarly moribund, there is in many small congregations a spiritual intimacy that inspires envy among those from larger shuls....
... What does all of this have to do with High Holy Days, and specifically, Rosh Hashanah?
Well, this is the season, as you know, for teshuvah, for return and repentance. And one of the most important prerequisites for teshuvah is self-examination and reflection. We call that cheshbon ha-nefesh, literally, "an accounting of the soul." I have chosen tonight, against my usual instincts, not to speak so much about individual teshuvah. Not because it’s not important; it is. And I sincerely hope that you will be inspired by the words and sounds of the service to spend some time reflecting on the year just ended, and to find those whom you have wronged, and make amends.
But what I do want to do tonight, is to pose some questions that might lead you toward cheshbon ha-nefesh as a community. This, by the way, is one of the "stings" of small community life; if you were a larger congregation, I could never invite ask you to engage in this kind of reflection as a community! But because you are a small congregation, you are very much an extended family, and so I ask you to consider, silently for now, this description of a healthy family, and to assess to what degree this description describes Bnei Israel Congregation. To whatever extent you find the community fits the description, I hope you will celebrate and feel pride. To whatever degree you feel the congregation comes up wanting, I hope you will, even as you commit to perform acts of personal teshuvah in the coming days, make a commitment to doing community teshuvah as well, to make Bnei Israel the healthiest family it can be.
And what is a healthy family? "The healthy family
• affirms and supports one another (that means, of course, even when we don’t understand or even disagree with what another does or believes)
• teaches respect for others (do we tolerate disrespect toward others in the community, even if we do not engage in disrespectful behavior ourselves?)
• develops a sense of trust (to what extent can we depend on each other?)
• has a sense of play and humor (taking seriously what we do as a community is one thing; taking ourselves too seriously is another)
• exhibits a sense of shared responsibility (does each person share in the upkeep and maintenance of the community?)
• teaches a sense of right and wrong (are the community’s rules consistent, and applied equally to all?)
• has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound (do the rituals and traditions of the congregation belong to all the members?)
• has a balance of interaction among members (or are there groups within the congregation that do not associate with others?)
• has a shared religious core (despite the differences or style and taste, does the community share a basic religious perspective?)
• respects the privacy of one another (do we know where the community ends, and the individual begins?)
• values service to others (do we offer ourselves, when we do, grudgingly, or do we welcome the opportunity to give of ourselves?)
• fosters family table time and conversation (do we enjoy spending time with one another, even when we don’t "have to"?)
As we conclude this, our first High Holy Day service in your new home, may we each be blessed with a year of peace and tranquillity. Ken yehi ratson. May it be God’s will.
Rabbi Peter Schaktman
The stage of dreaming, planning, and building the synagogue bound us together as a community. With their work, their donations, and their moral support, the majority of members of B’nei Israel collaborated and we got our new building. Each tile of the floor, each glass of the window, each desk of the School, represents the love and the generosity of those that gave so much to the Congregation through the years.
And now a new stage begins; we have to make our place a true House of God and the center of our Jewish life. Celebrating our Shabbats and holidays, improving even more the curriculum of the Jennifer Sossin School for Jewish Education, and organizing cultural and educational programs, this building will become a true House of Meeting, a House of Prayer, and a House of Study.
The building itself is just s structure. The life we breathe into it will depend on how we manage as a congregation and of the way we, the members, relate to each other and to the world around us, and on how closely we fulfill our mitzvot. It is up to us to leave to our children a community they can be proud of, because of its tangible as well as its spiritual achievements.
Shannah Tovah uMetukah to all,
Hilda ten Brink
On the eve of Rosh Hashannah it is a privilege and an honor for me to convey to you best wishes for a happy and blessed New Year, a year in which we hope to see the fulfillment of our historical dreams and national aspirations.
The State of Israel faces crucial and historic decisions, among the most important taken since its establishment. Our prayers and efforts are aimed at attaining a comprehensive, true, and permanent peace with all the nations of the Middle East.
At the same time, Israel, the Jewish people, and Judaism are confronted with many national challenges of supreme importance. Jewish education and assimilation must be put high on our agenda and paramount attention should be given to the encouragement of immigration to Israel. If the majority of the Jewish people lived among us, the peace process with the Arab nations would progress more quickly and effectively.
From Jerusalem, the capital of Israel, I call on the Jews in the Diaspora to come and join us in the building, strengthening, and developing of our country for the benefit of our future generations.
Leshannah tovah umeborechet uleshannah habaah virushalayim habnuiah.
Moshe Katzav
As we welcome the New Year, 5761, I reach out to the family of Jews around the world with a continued commitment to seek true and lasting peace for our people. Our common prayer is for a strong and secure Israel at peace that will provide the foundation for a safe and prosperous future for our children.
May the New Year strengthen the bonds of our peoplehood so that together we can assure the continuity of Jewish heritage and culture, deepen our ties to the land of Israel and the Hebrew language, and celebrate our diversity and richness of perspective.
As partners in this great Zionist enterprise, let us reaffirm the moral and ethical values so deeply rooted in our holy land and ancient tradition, and ensure that human dignity, respect for the other, and a spirit of unity come forth from our people, from Yerushalayim.
Nava and I wish you, Am Yisrael and Medinat Yisrael, a New Year that brings the sweetness of peace, promise and prosperity.
Sincerely,
Ehud Barak
For all our friends of Congregation B’nei Israel
all the best for the coming year.
May the building flourish.
May the Congregation flourish.
Ellie and Don Sherwood
Hola, Hilda y toda la Comunidad de B’nei Israel,
En nombre de toda mi familia
les mando muchos saludos cálidos, felicitándolos en la inauguración
de nuestra nueva sinagoga. Deseamos que celebremos muchos simchot en ella,
y que sea un lugar de estudio y rezo que nos inspire y nos ayude a acercarnos
unos a los otros, y a D'S. Nuestros rezos están siempre con toda
la familia de B’nei Israel, deseándoles muchas bendiciones y felicidad
para sus familias.
Mazel tov y Shabat shalom,
David, Rosario, Daniel, Rachel, Rebecca, David y Cynthia Losk
Este año, debido a que
estoy dando clases en la Facultad de Trabajo Social de la Yeshiva University
y el horario no lo permite, no voy a poder llegar a Costa Rica a celebrar
el Año Nuevo y la inauguración de la sinagoga con mi querida
comunidad. De mi parte a todos, Shaná Tová.
Abrazos,
Madeleine Dale
Apreciada Amiga Hilda,
Favor de saludarme a todos
allá. Esta noche, ténganlo por seguro que Jody y yo
estamos con todos ustedes, miembros de nuestra queridísima comunidad
de B'nei Israel. Mazel tov y enhorabuena. Al brindar las velas de Shabat
este atardecer, mis rezos especiales serán para el bienestar de
la sinagoga y de Jody.
Madeleine Dale
Best wishes for the New Year.
Daniel Gaal
Embajador de Israel en Costa Rica
The First Shabbat
My dearest friends, it is
with such a heavy heart that I am not with you all tonight. For me, this
Shabbat Service is the culmination of so many years of work and struggle
and wonderful times but mostly work. As you all walk in behind the Torah
scrolls, and put up the mezuzah, know I am walking with you. I send you
all my love and my desire that tonight is the beginning of a wonderful
new life for B'nei Israel and for the growth of Liberal Judaism in Latin
America.
Un gran abrazo con mucho cariño,
Jody
<yoshimom@hotmail.com>
MAZEL TOV
Dear Hilda
Hope you & your family
are well. I wrote to you sending congratulations to you and your congregation
on the inauguration of your new Temple. We will be thinking of you all
on Friday night and will also be with you in spirit as well, as you enjoy
these special moments. G_d Bless and keep you.
Mazel Tov and mucho cariño,
Sallie & Cheryle.
Shanah tovah!
Our best wishes to all our
friends from Congregation B'nei Israel, San José, Costa Rica
May your Rosh Hashanah
be sweet and healthy all
the way through!
Temple B’nei Israel
Happy New Year to
all.
Clif, Beth and Sara Goldstein
"It is difficult to put into words the level of rage felt by the victims of the Nazis and world Jewry at both the owners of the discotheque and a political establishment in Poland that would validate the mocking of the victims of Auschwitz," said Rabbi Abraham Cooper, Associate Dean of the Center. "Young Poles are being encouraged to dance in the immediate vicinity of the largest Jewish graveyard in history. After 50 years, have we learned nothing? Auschwitz and its immediate environs must forever remain a place of silence and contemplation. Instead, in a matter of days, we are witness to the decision to permit a commercial visitor's center near Auschwitz, and now of a discotheque in a building where the victims of the Nazis were tortured and murdered. This is an obscenity which demands immediate intervention by the Polish government," Cooper concluded.
For more information,
contact the Wiesenthal Center's Public Relations department, 310-553-9036.
Please contact the
Embassy of Poland to voice your dismay, so that they may intervene in this
matter. The address is:
There are people that by simply giving
us
the hand break up loneliness,
set the table, serve the stew,
and place the garlands,
that by simply grasping a guitar
can make a symphony.
There are people that by simply uttering
a word
can reach the limits of the soul,
feed a flower, invent dreams,
make the wine in the pitchers sing
with no effort.
And we go on as if life was our lover
banishing a lonely death
because we realize that right around
the corner
there are people like that,
so necessary.
Even though we live far away, I just knew that, deep down in my heart, I needed to be at the dedication of our spiritual home for which so many worked so diligently and those who could, gave so generously.
The organizers did not dream that the invisible threads tugging at our hearts and pulling us to worship would be so strong, and optimistically prepared for 100 souls. Yet 140 other hearts beat as loudly as mine. Those of us who stood, were standing not on the as yet bare concrete floor, but on air. I know there were many others who wanted to be with us. Their prayers also reverberated in the unfinished sanctuary.
From the inspirational opening words, the presentation of the flags of Costa Rica and Israel, the emotional dedication of the Eternal Light, the hanging of the mezzuzahs, the lighting of the candles, the sounding of the shofar, the dignified Shabbat and Torah services, the thanks given to our founders, all our members and other benefactors -to the lavish Oneg Shabbat - it was an evening of qvelling, laughter, gratitude, tears, spirituality, love of God and each other, and hope for the future of Liberal Judaism in Costa Rica.
Having this special Sabbath service in the as yet unfinished sanctuary and letting us see the roof insulation, ceiling beams, bare concrete floors, made all of us feel even more a part of the ongoing process that began as a dream of a few, thirteen long years ago. For me, being a part of this important milestone was an overwhelming experience.
Norma Kahn
(This is a column of emotions and
feelings. I leave it to others to document the individual names of those
who participated and without whose valuable work what IS - could not have
been accomplished.)
How? One day, we will write a book. Meanwhile just ascribe the event to a major miracle.
We committed ourselves to build just the school this year. We built the School and the Synagogue.
We committed to pray at the new building in time for Rosh Hashanah. We dedicated the building one week before.
We were short $50,000 plus amenities like chairs, etc., only one month ago. We didn’t have the money to finish the shell – not to speak of the furnishings and finishing inside. Our August Board meeting reflected the frowns and worry of the members. We had worked so hard. The whole community. We taxed ourselves to the limit. We exhausted every means of fundraising the imagination could conceive. Yet we came up short. Way short. Had we placed too much faith in the outcome? Would we be left with an unfinished white elephant?
You know by now how it turned around. A couple of angels without wings saw our predicament, and generously offered their help.
Alvin Moss; the same Alvin who appeared two years ago at a Rosh Hashanah Service, and in response to an appeal, contributed $25,000 to jump start the School. He came through with an additional $100,000! He recognized our effort and wanted to be sure that B’nei Israel would have what it needed, and that we do all possible to ensure that it be done right.
Gordon Finwall, a name unknown to the majority of our community. He was not even a member. But he is Jewish. He is a resident of Costa Rica. And he and his lovely wife Jeanette wanted to help. Their contribution of $25,000 was an act of faith and support that guaranteed that all would be well.
Even the fates took a hand. One of the few unsold tickets of the raffle was the winning number, 49. Another $10,000 accrued to our building fund.
And so the building was completed on time and on budget – and we have the money to buy what we need for the Synagogue and School.
There is something to be said about faith!
Yet – even so, I am convinced that it could never have happened without the constant work of the Sisterhood, the Board, and all the members and friends who devoted themselves to building a Bet haMigdash for B’nei Israel.
This is not just a building. It is a Bet haKnesset, a Jewish community center; a BetTefillah, a House of Prayer; a Bet Midrash, a Jewish religious school.
Our dream became a reality. We took a leap of faith – and landed on our feet.
How shall I describe that Shabbat eve; our first in the new synagogue. Can I describe the feelings of Roberto Davidovich, who sat in the front row with Anabelle and their three children? Roberto, whose hundreds of trips to the site, his constant meetings with Karin Nagel, our architect and Eduardo Keibel, our builder; contributed so much to the practical side of time and cost?
How can I tell you our reaction to Sam Nieman, who donated the Eternal Light above our ark in honour of his grandmother, and in a broken voice spoke of her in such loving terms?
Are there words that adequately project the feeling of those assembled when Gonzalo Vega, who led the service, hammered the nails to affix the two mezzuzot?
The aliyot were given to those that gave of themselves; some of their hours of service and work; others of their goods. We could not begin to recognize all in one service.
David ten Brink, Erika Keibel, and Jason Marín embraced the Torah and led the file throughout the sanctuary where everyone could touch or kiss it.
I was presented with a beautiful scroll containing the words of a poem and signed by the members of the community individually.
And who could forget the emotion when Pilar thanked Hilda for her work and leadership and we all rose to our feet and showed our appreciation in a long, standing ovation.
The words of Mario Podcaminsky; the calling to the Bimah of Dr. Carrillo; the presence of all the children on the Bimah; all blessed fragments of an unforgettable evening.
We missed Jody, who was in New York undergoing cancer treatment. Wishes for her well being were on our lips in the Mi Sheberach and in the hearts of everyone who love her and appreciate her years of service as the Director of our School.
There is more; much more. My memory dims. But my heart is still full of the wonderful feelings I shared with everyone. You had to be there!
We expected 60 or 70 people at most to attend. There were 150 plus. We didn’t have sufficient seating. Many had to stand. Nobody complained. The only word that I can think of to describe the atmosphere in our sanctuary is the Yiddish word "qvell". We "qvelled" that night.
Our official inauguration is slated for November 18th. The souls who filled the Synagogue will always remember Shabbat, Sept. 22, with reverence, and a sense of gratitude and pride, for belonging to a community that could.
Marvin Sossin
We observe Selichot in the evening of the Saturday before Rosh Hashanah every year. It’s usually a small group that recite the beautiful prayers and poetry that mark the period just before the beginning of the High Holidays.
This year there were two important differences to years past. First, we assembled in the new home of B’nei Israel. Secondly, we had the benefit of having Gerry Voit (our permanent member who happens to live in San Diego with her husband Steve) lead us in a discussion group.
The subject was "Which of the following are necessary for the survival of Judaism." She handed us a sheet containing nineteen crucial issues, which are of concern to all Jews. The subjects included Torah, Shabbat, Rabbi, Ritual, Synagogue, and Tzedakah. We formed two discussion groups; one for English speakers and one for Spanish.
Each group had 20 minutes to form their opinions as to which was most important to our survival. It wasn’t easy. It provoked thinking and searching within ourselves. Finally, a spokesperson from each group voiced the majority opinion and gave reasons. Although the opinions of each group were distinct, there was unanimous agreement on Torah, Family, and Jewish Education. Subjects that appeared on one list but not on the other, included God, Shabbat, Community, Tikun Olam, and Anti Semitism.
Our lovely Pilar Elkin of Ritual led the Selichot Service. It was a moving and memorable experience and a fitting preamble of the New Year, and the period of reflection and Selichot, which is the Hebrew word for forgiveness.
Today we have a first class building almost finished. This proves two things: first, that miracles do exist, and second, that joint effort is necessary to achieve a great goal.
Without God’s help, in the first place, Hilda’s inexhaustible energy, Marvin’s challenge, Eduardo’s determination, Roberto’s dedication, Karin’s charism, and the help in one way or other of all the members of the Congregation, we would never had reached the point where we now stand. Together we make a great team.
Today, we can tell our sons and daughters, our parents, our brothers and sisters, our friends, that we have a wonderful place in which to pray, to go for our moments of reflection, of joy and of sorrow, in short, at any moment. Why? Because it’s ours!
Because of all this, as a member of the Board of Directors, as the Treasurer of B’nei Israel, and as a member of the Congregation, I must thank all the people who contributed to make this dream, first molded in paper, then in drawing, and finally in model, a reality.
Erik Zango
San José, August
9, 2000
(Translated by Inés
Baum)
In honor of our thirteenth year, the congregation is celebrating its Bar Mitzvah with the public inauguration of our new synagogue on Saturday, November 11. We’ve all worked especially hard to bring the new building to reality, and we’ve been blessed with friends and members who have helped us make this dream come true. What joy we will all share at this birthday party! As we pass into adulthood it will be in a real grown-up synagogue as befits Jewish adults.
Now that we’ve achieved our dream, let us celebrate the dream come true and give tribute to the congregation, to our beloved founders, and to all those members that are yet to come. To mark this occasion we will publish a Tribute Journal in connection with the Inauguration in November. Here’s a chance for everyone and anyone to participate in this great happening. Please subscribe generously to the Journal. Ask your friends, and ask your families to subscribe.
The Jennifer Sossin School is a fine Hebrew school and will now have the fine facilities it deserves to help better educate our children and teach them to live spiritually rich Jewish lives. Our sanctuary will now truly be a sanctuary – a place for us to worship and seek peace and a place for our ark and its Torahs to rest securely in splendor.
Yes, we’ve achieved our goal. We’ve raised sufficient funds to finish a proud and worthy synagogue. But what about the future? Let us now subscribe generously to the Tribute Journal and build a nest egg that will pay us a handsome annuity for years and years to come and by doing so, let us say Mazal Tov to the Congregation on its Bar Mitzvah!
Dear Gil:
Dear A:
Now you are a guy who takes the High Holy Days concept of forgiveness seriously and I am assuming you had someone in mind to give so much thought to forgiveness. Our High Holy Day prayer book has forgiveness as one of its central themes. We are told over and over that our God is a forgiving God. This is to be a model for us as well as we review our year of behavior towards others.
Beyond the High Holy Days, forgiveness is an important and admirable concept in Judaism. For proof, you need look no further than the Joseph story in the Bible. Other than murder, can you think of anything worse than being sold into slavery? Yet Joseph finds within himself the ability to forgive his brothers for doing just that... though they didn't apologize. Judaism requires that apologies include changed behavior and Joseph did see this in his brothers and this likely motivated his forgiving them.
More could be said about apologies, but you really ask about forgiveness. Your two concepts associated with forgiveness make sense to me. I would word them a bit differently than you. The first concept is an internal matter strictly involving yourself, your thoughts, and emotions. Your second concept is external and deals with your relationship with another person.
As for the internal concept about being filled with "anger, resentment, hostility, &/or hate," this in reality, is a punishment you inflict upon yourself. A wonderful quote I heard sums this up well: being angry is a poison pill that WE take with the hope that our enemy gets ill. WE become the prisoner of our fuming feelings towards another. So I agree with you, part of forgiving requires us to stop our negative emotions – I'd call it releasing ourselves from our own jail.
The external concept is different as it involves another who must be a willing participant. I'd restate it as deciding whether to continue or renew a relationship with the person with whom we have or had a conflict. This is a decision that can be made a bit more objectively. To make the decision, I think you must ask yourself two questions: what is really at the core of the conflict and who is the other person.
If the core of the conflict is something permanent like an irrevocable business or marital issue or a personality trait like jealousy or arrogance (yours or theirs) then continuing the relationship may not be possible. Having said that however, I would add that almost nothing is irrevocable. Compromises after the fact can often be made and people can change – even deep personality traits.
Another mitigating factor about continuing the relationship is the second question I suggested: who is the person? If your problem is with a relative (and typically family members because of closeness hurt each other the most) then continuing your relationship takes on a different weight. You only have one life and one family and they will always be your family -- this is the reality. For these reasons, ending a relationship with family has no equal in sadness and pain and is to be avoided... though time may be needed for forgiveness to truly happen, as the Joseph story shows.
With all of this in mind, I would respond to your 3 questions by saying, in each case ask yourself: What am I doing to myself by not forgiving? And, how much do I care about our relationship? I'll close with an inspiring teaching from the Talmud that offers me guidance especially to your third question:
"If you have done your fellow a slight wrong, let it be a serious matter in your eyes; but if you have done your fellow much good, let it be trifle in your eyes. And if your fellow has done you a slight favor, let it be a great thing in your eyes; if your fellow has done you a great evil, let it be a little thing in your eyes."
In this spirit, I apologize for any wrong I may have done toward any of my readers and wish you and all of my readers, a Shanah Tovah of forgiving, forgiveness, health and happiness.
Gil
Gil Mann is the Author
of: How to Get More Out of Being Jewish Even If: A. You are not sure you
believe in God; B. You think going to synagogue is a waste of time; C.
You think keeping kosher is stupid; D. You hated Hebrew School, or E. All
of the above!
Gil's work on this
book , on America Online and this column are all done pro-bono. You are
invited to his area of AOL (Keyword: Judaism Today,) for a free download
of the first 2 chapters of his book and other Q & A with Gil. He welcomes
your E-Mail comments and questions about this column or any subject. Write
to DearGil@aol.com or send your letters
to this paper. To order the book ($17.95) call: 800-304-9925.
I am in touch with the Ant Colony of West Sabana Park every morning. They are truly amazing. Since I began studying them almost a week ago, I have learned a lot about the ANT, and I feel it’s important to share it with you.
You see, I go for a walk with Rosario, Spartacus, and Mirgus every day about 6 a.m. We go from the West End all the way to the Menorah on the East End and back. We traverse the whole park. It takes about 45 minutes of brisk walking. Shortly after we begin, near the second tree after the fork of the two paths, we are confronted by a moving train of leaf parts. Upon closer inspection, we see that these leaves are being carried by thousands of red ANTS. Each of them is hefting a part of a leaf 10 times their size. The file of ants is maybe .25 of a meter wide and hundreds of meters long. They deposit their leaves around a hole, an ant hill if you will. The small hill is carpeted completely by a sea of green. Later the ants take the leaves and enter the hole. They partly cover the hole with a roof of twigs. Then they go for more.
What discipline! What effort! What strength! They are building a communal home and everyone shares in the work. It reminds me of a scene from Fantasía. (If you haven’t seen the famous Disney film, then do it this year, as I have been doing for over 50 years.)
I know virtually nothing about ANTS. I whack them when they get into my food or crawl up my leg. I’ve never paid them attention except to rid myself of the bothersome creatures. Until now!
I looked up ANT in my Websters Dictionary. It has a one line description; "an insect that lives in community."
I don’t have an encyclopedia. So I called Jason, my grandson. He is my encyclopedia. He immediately gave me the following information on the phone.
He told me they live in colonies and each have their function. They are led by a Queen. She gives the orders. No ant disobeys. She sends out scouts looking for a suitable home. When they find the ideal place, they discharge a chemical on the ground which only ants can smell. All the ants of the colony get their marching orders and seek the building parts and bring them to the site. Eventually they all enter. They are home.
Have you ever noticed that if you let one ant too near your cereal, within a few minutes there are a hundred more ants coming to feast? One leaves the scent. The rest come running.
Did you know that millions of people throughout the world use the ant when they are cut and bleeding? They place the ant on the cut. The ant uses its mandibles (jaws) and actually closes the cut!
Did you know that the Costa Rican ant helps save the trees? They eat the insects that are parasites and that can eat the life out of a tree.
I am reminded that scientists around the world use the fruit fly to study Learning and Memory in humans. Ultimately a cure for Alzheimer may be achieved through this study.
I have been learning about community from my study of the ANT. They have the most amazing communication system. They work together. They live together. And they are connected by a bond that is stronger than anything I have seen in humankind.
They don’t need broadband or cell phones to communicate. There is no risk that they will offend, or crush the motivation of their fellow ants through misunderstandings or long distance communication. Have you ever heard of an ANT making another ANT cry?
Never! They are themselves too busy working, sharing, and building for the survival of their community.
They don’t need the Internet. They have something better. It’s called the "ANTERNET". It involves ANT to ANT interaction.
It works! Amazing what we can learn from the ANT. We may even learn to talk to one another instead of airing our complaints to cold steel antennas linked by cable. The ant has antennas too, but they are used to warn them from external danger or touch or feel or embrace those of their community.
So take my advice, folks. Start walking the park every morning. It’s good for you. But please – watch your step!
Sincerely,
Marvin Sossin
"Dearest Patricia:
My heart goes out to you as well. It is painful and sad when a parent is dying under any circumstances, as you feel so helpless to do anything to make it better for her. Given the choices that you made in your own life and the religious estrangement between you and your mom, it must be all the most difficult for you. Always remember that who you are in many ways is the result of your upbringing and the lessons that you chose to learn from your parents. Even the change of direction that your own life has taken regarding Judaism and Christianity grew in some way out of what you learned and took from her. Somewhere you chose the lessons from her life that would inspire you to see love, your relationship with Alejandro, and what Judaism gives you as something valuable and worth embracing.
The fundamental reality is that life has meaning and that God is the power that we discover in the love we feel for others (especially family and friends), and the power we recognize in the creativity that makes up the driving force of the very universe itself and is found flowing through our own creative energies and that we see in the everyday miracles of life that surround us. Whether we call that trascendent power, God, or Adonai, or Jesus, or any other of a hundred different names is irrelevant really. It is the same regardless and you and your mother share more than you or she probably realize about what is really important in life.
I agree totally about telling her the truth, and I also know that part of the truth is that no one knows how long she or any of us will live really and that all we can do is live every day as fully as we can and consider it a blessing and a gift to be cherished.
I wish I were there with you all as well. Know that my heart and love and blessings are with you every day.
Love,
Steven"
I wanted to share such beautiful words with all the congregation, since I think it is a very edifying letter. And also because I remember the intolerant words, published by someone just a few months ago in this bulletin, making reference to this so very special couple, at a Shabbat service.
Even though I respect this person’s opinion, I cannot share it. I believe that being as he is a member of a Reform movement, he should look more into people’s inner feelings instead of focusing only on appearances. And in this letter you can appreciate part of Rabbi Reuben’s inner feelings.
Finally, I want to say that this letter, although it made me cry a lot, filled me with peace and comfort.
A big hug to all B’nei Israel. It is a privilege to be part of this congregation.
Shalom,
Patricia Guerra de Lev
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